Parents’ Guide to Handling Freedom-Craving Pre-Teens
A child’s declaration of independence can be abrupt and potentially problematic. Issues of freedom naturally cause conflict. Inevitably, a pre-teen is going to want to go out un-chaperoned with friends, take on a part-time job, and maybe start dating.
How much freedom can a child this age handle? This is a high-stakes question that has no easy answer. It’s really a judgment call you have to make based on the maturity level of your child. If you have a child who’s doing well in school and has friends who are a positive influence – and who you feel are trustworthy – you can start by giving him more freedom incrementally.
But how does a parent develop a thinking, responsible, and trustworthy child? The answer lies in the approach rather than a strict set of rules. Telling kids this age what to do is going to cause them to rebel. The more you lecture, the more they tune out.
Kids should be made to recognize what an unsafe situation could result in. When your child truly comprehends the implications, she’s more likely to be able to handle herself.
Parents should also remember that no matter how savvy a pre-teen is, there’s always going to be a push and pull between wanting freedom and still wanting protection. Though most teens feel their parents are too strict, they also approve of widespread curfew laws.
Here are some of the areas in which independence issues arise during the pre-teen years.
Going solo at the mall
While majority of teens would love to go to malls without their folks, many parents and mall officials disagree. If you aren’t ready to drop your pre-teen and her friends off at the mall by themselves, allow her to roam the mall independently with at least two of her friends, but have them check in with you every 30 to 45 minutes at a prearranged meeting place.
Boy-girl parties
Always talk to a parent in the host’s house beforehand to make sure an adult will be present. Grown-ups don’t have to be part of the party, but they do have to be somewhere in the house.
Dating
Should pre-teens be allowed to date at all? Not really, experts say. Most kids at this age do what’s called group dating. Encourage kids to go out in a bunch. It’s much safer, and they’ll have more fun. For individual dating, 13 should be the absolute minimum age, and even then the date – a movie or a trip to the mall – should occur only during the daytime.
Curfews
A weekend curfew between 9:00 pm and 11:00 pm is reasonable for this age group. But for the best results, parents should ask a child what he thinks is a good hour to return. If you can live with that time, agree to it, saying “I trust you to come home by then.” In truth, most kids will offer reasonable times and solutions – and they’re more likely to live up to their own requirements than to yours.
Jobs
Part-time jobs such as mowing lawns, cleaning garages, and washing cars are important tools for teaching children responsibility and instilling a sense of self-worth. It has to be noted with caution, however, that all such jobs should be contingent on good performance at school. Readiness for baby-sitting at this age varies considerably from child to child. There’s a big difference between a mature 13-year old and a young 11-year old.
Ultimately, turning your kids loose in the world boils down to a matter of faith – faith that you’ve taught them the life skills that will enable them to make wise and safe choices. Make it clear that you want them to have their freedom. It’s only when they goof up that you have to pull in the reins a little. Never let them forget that you’re on their side.
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