Essential Lessons Your Kids Learn From Your Marriage
Arguments and light debates between parents are quite common in every household. But we have to be aware that conversations like these are not negligible. How you and your spouse talk to each other, how you listen, and how you work out your differences shape the beliefs your children are forming about relationships. These beliefs guide their friendships today and will ultimately guide their own marriages in the future.
Kids are much more tuned in to their parents’ relationship than we once thought (or than many of us parents would like to believe). Psychologists have long documented the ways children are affected by marital fights, but it turns out that kids are equally affected by the positives – the affection you and your husband show each other, the empathy you express, the support you give each other. Here are 7 important lessons your kids learn from your marriage.
1. Marriage is something to look forward to (or not)
Ever listen to kids “playing house?” Sometimes it’s uncanny how closely they pick up not just our words, but our tone, facial expression, and body language. Even when they’re too old for the game, children imagine a future that is in many ways a variation of their parents’ lives, and are developing basic notions about the rewards of marriage.
The opposite is also true. Children who grow up in homes where parents fight are more likely to have trouble in their own relationships.
2. Empathy makes the world go round
When couples share and respond to underlying emotions, they find a new sense of connection. Best of all, they teach children that people who love each other care about each other’s feelings.
3. A cold war is as destructive as an open conflict
All couples disagree, and even if they think they’ve hidden their hostilities, the kids still know all isn’t harmonious. In fact, children are more sensitive to silent discord than they are to open disagreement.
Kids are never sure if a peace agreement has been signed or another skirmish is just around the corner. As a result, they’re too attuned to the state of their parents’ marriage, too sensitive to cues of potential discord. You don’t solve problems by driving them underground. And you make everyone miserable by trying.
4. A public ending is a happy ending for all
To ease kids’ anxieties, parents need to let them know when the issue is resolved. You don’t have to call a family conference so you can make up in front of everyone, but acknowledging that there was a fight and that now it’s over lets the family get back to normal. It also teaches kids that the uncomfortable feelings arguments arouse can be handled.
5. Different only means different – not wrong
Try to always project the positive message that there’s no one right way to do things. Two people bring different perspectives, and add richness, to family life.
6. Children aren’t the only family members who need praise
Wives complain that their husbands have no idea how much work it takes to raise kids. Husbands complain that wives don’t give them sufficient credit for keeping the family afloat. The funny thing is, these couples aren’t looking for a break – they’re looking for thanks.
Acknowledging each other’s efforts may do more than anything else to foster a long, happy relationship. To the children, it says: Marriage is a place where you find support to carry on.
7. Parents just need to have more fun
Marriage can’t be sufficiently nurtured within a family context. You need time to relax, play, and rekindle the connection. You need to develop shared interests so that when you finally get time alone, you can talk about something other than the kids and home.
Your children are always watching. They’re carving out a mental image of what it means to be a member of a couple. And if you want them one day to find partners who will treasure them and respect them, who’ll be affectionate and caring, the best way is to give them a model of a marriage that’s all these things.
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