Upbringing – What to Do With That Little Hothead?

“Now we struggle a lot with our little boy, he always has a tantrum and I really don t know what to do with him, dressing downs don t work, when I smack his bottom, he gets over that in a short while and is not worried about that at all. It really irritates me when somebody starts to tell me that I am too tender at him. I don t think so because I really try to keep him on a tight rein and I don t allow him anything for no special reason. However he really has a tantrum for no reason and screams and yells I am already helpless I feel like crying.“

 

We borrowed this story from public online discussion. Mother who knows this story let her be not angry with us. Internet is full of similar contributions. They differ only insignificantly and sound always the same: We struggle each other. Nothing doesn’t count for much with him. I am at a loss what to do next with him. Where do I make a mistake?

It is not always easy to be a parent. Especially when the two-year-old boy starts to have a tantrum and destroy all our present views about upbringing. So we sometimes search for a piece of advice where it is possible and try to know the score in vain.

 „I don t want to make him shut up all day long, it is not upbringing in my view, it is drill. Do you think I make a mistake when I wait when it is more reasonable to understand my explanation?“

 „My friend told me I should smack her bottom to make her feel the pain. I smack her bottom from time to time, but I don t know, if I do it right?“

(excerpts from discussions)

 

Which upbringing is the right upbringing?

Some people say: Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nobody caressed with them in their childhood. They survived and today they are decent people. Others warn, that strict upbringing balefully leave marks on the child. Obedience does not have to be a lucky choice, it will grow up one day and will go out into the world of grown ups.

Where is the happy medium and which upbringing is the right upbringing? And especially- which will work even for our child  which is so idiosyncratic (wild, obstinate, non- assertive, quick, slow… substitute anything)? How non- upbringing can solve it?

 

Beg your pardon – Non-upbringing?!

Approach to children, which is spread in our country under the title of Non-upbringing, does not have anything in common with „american“ free upbringing. It does not recommend directive way – I will set you hard and fast rules and you must stick to them, at the same time it is not too liberal- do what you think, child, I do not intervene.

„Non-upbringing is a partnership approach. Some parents are horrified, when they hear the word partnership – I will dance to his tunes? But when I say partnership, I mean mutual partnership. When the child is my partner, it does not mean, that he is the centre of the universe and everything revolves around him. Also me, a parent, I am also a partner, and my peace of mind is equally important as satisfaction of a child. Mutual partnership looks like nobody has to rule here or live in reduced circumstances, we can agree on everything and we are both satisfied,“ says Dr. Kate Krall, author of the principles of Non-upbringing.

 

Uncontrollable child? It is often a big misunderstanding

How to come to an agreement with a child, that is uncontrollable? I said it to him already hundred times. I tried everything, by hook or by crook. Nothing works. My child is really different. It is just itself, anything „verified“ does not count for much with it.

Yes, reliable advice and instructions do not work everytime. That s precisely why your child is „different“. Equally as mother (or father) is different. And equally unique is situation, in which you found yourself with your child. Therefore Non-upbringing does not give parents „instructions for a child“ and does not try to convince them, that there is only one right solution. It helps them to find their way in a child, in themselves and also in a situation- and find their own solution.

When somebody gives you advice, what exactly you should say to your child or what you should do with it, maybe it will work in 50% cases. And then there are the remaining 50% cases, where it does not have to work. Therefore we teach the parents to understand what happens with them, as a matter of fact. When I understand a child and situation, then I will solve the problem with him together easily. And I don t have to try without looking, what somebody gave me as a piece of advice, or to do something, I am not convinced about. For example, smack his bottom. Parents often assume somehow, it is not the right thing, but they are angry, helpless and so that they act against their feelings. And sometimes it starts as a vicious circle. I know from my personal experience, that most of the problems comes only from lack of understanding, I do not understand what the child wants and it does not understand me,“ explains Kate Krall.

She worked with disabled children in the past, with talented children, as a boss of  subsidiary of the Fund of imperilled children then with „problem“ children and families in a difficult living situation. „It works everywhere and we can teach you that in Non-upbringing,“ she dares to say. „We know how to agree on everything without problems with our little boy and also teenage young lady. No wild puberty or defiance are not necessary.“

 

Speech is silver but Silence is golden

„It is not enough to tell parents how they should do that. Therefore we do not give them instructions in similar interviews. Recall how many times somebody told you what you should do- those people around you always know best. You listened to him, maybe accepted he was right, nevertheless you did not change anything,“ says Kate Krall and continues:

„One thing is to speak, the other thing is to live through it at your own skin and start to do that practically. Therefore we lead parents in our courses to their own experience. Simple, but efficient practical tasks are important part. When you experience some situation from child´s point of view, you will never slap his face in a similar situation. But maybe you will come to him and say: „Now I am very angry, I tremble all over my body, I need it to be different next time.“ And then you will think up how.“

 

When children make crazy things

Let us get back now  to the intoductory contribution of a mother from internet discussion. „Even though your child makes the craziest thing, for example it has a tantrum, screams or bites you, it always has a reason to do that. Sure, it does something, you don t like, and you need to deal with that somehow. I don t mean to say at all- let it be. But the child tries to express something at that moment. When you smack him or you tell it, this is not good to do, you tell it in fact: „I don t understand you, but shut up.“ And then you will never get at the understanding. You need to figure out together, what it wants to say. And then it is sufficient to change the style of communication,“ explains Kate Krall.

Isn it all a long distance run? You can change quickly to the Non-upbringing, within several days till weeks. You have to be firmly decided and go for it. As soon as the child gets used to the new style of communication, we are home and dry.It will stop have a tantrum, because nobody understands it and it will start to cooperate.

 

One story for all

And how does the whole „magic“ look like in practice? Maybe like this:

„Mike (16 months of age) crawled into a cabin, his grandmother was of course close on his heels. He took a broom, and wanted to go out. Grandmother lamented that it is too big for him, he can knock his head against something, fall down, will cry.. and he said no and no! My grandmother shouts at me in despair: „Pete, tell him something, come and smack his bottom, he does not obey.“ (I got the feeling he obeys and has fun on top of that.)

My bold sentence followed: „So try to agree with him on that somehow.“ „Agree? Oh my god, it is a child! He does not understand me, he does not speak…“

I got up from the bench at rest, came to them into a cabin and knelt down in front of Mike: “Mike, my grandmother maybe  does not want you to take the broom outside. Maybe she sweeps with that only inside- try asking her if you can really take it out.“

„Mike did his „Hm“ at me, turned around with the broom at grandmother, raised it, did his „Hm“ at grandmother and nodded his head at the same time. Grandmother stood and was stunned and nodded her head. Mike went out enthusiastically out and started to touch his springboard.“

 

It really works! Child upbringing according to astrological signs in the Zodiac

When you understand character traits of your child, you can save enough time and nerves to your child and to yourself. Do you need some help with upbringing? We asked the stars how to tame your little offsprings. According to astrological signs in the Zodiac!

What applies to your son or your daughter? Against what methods is he or she very sensitive
and what educational practics is absolutely unacceptable for him or her? We were looking for tips according to sun signs. Here they are!

Your baby in Aries Zodiac sign (21.3.-20.4.)

Cheerful, domineering child. It needs to learn how to be good, it understands when you ask it for help, service, competition. It is impetuous, therefore it sometimes can not master some things, console it. It has to sleep a lot, it often overestimates its strengths. Do not sneer at it,it can not deal with derision, its defence is cruelty.

Your baby in Taurus Zodiac sign (21.4.-21.5.)

Unproblematic, playful child. But it is a bullock. Do not push it to the wall, do not make it do anything in any case, neither do not play with it in a sense of teasing. You are going to crash.You will get it out of the state „bullocking“ only with gentle serenity. Command intelligibly, with explanation. For example, instead of „wash your hands“ at other times when it is usual, add why- there are lots of bacillis in the coronas etc.

Your baby in Gemini Zodiac sign (22.5.-21.6)

You have to teach this smart, cheerful child only not to switch from one idea to another and to understand real content what it is saying and learning. Even butting in can be a bad habit, it has to learn to glark. Adapt yourself to its vivacity and teach it to be patient.

Your baby in Cancer Zodiac sign (22.6.-22.7.)

It always loves its parents, it is obedient, it takes seriously all your opinions. Bring it up with love, follow your heart during upbringing so as to your worried, sometimes tearful or moody child would not be sad from time to time in adulthood. Your little cancer will be your support until old age and it will not have to domesticate in its shell for the world.

Your baby in Leo Zodiac sign (23.7.-22.8.)

This shining child will get thanks to its personal charm what it wants, however, it needs moderate and unceasing discipline. Tame its ostentation towards surroundings tactfully, do not serve it, when it becomes extremely lazy. Never humiliate it, apply „sticks and carrots“ approach justly, it needs to tame, but not to break (it would lose its generosity), it will not straighten up, it can even be cruel individualist.

Your baby in Virgo Zodiac sign (23.8.-22-9.)

This child needs sincere praise and order for its development. Arrogance is not imminent,it is shy and self critical. It has personal schedule and needs to have its things at their own place, otherwise it becomes chaotic and it corresponds to its result. Emphasizing its mistakes can lead to illness, lethargy, agression.

Your baby in Libra Zodiac sign (23.9.-23.10.)

Libra makes difficult decisions and hates hurry. Do not try to make your child have its choice, what to do and when, suggest a solution gently and repeatedly to it.Due to its internal need of harmony and justice, it sticks its nose into things that are not related to it, teach them when it is suitable and when not.

Your baby in Scorpio Zodiac sign (24.10.-22.11.)

Respect privacy of your child, but manifest clearly you are the one who dictates the rules. Teach it to bear a defeat, respect towards authority and ability to forgive even those who hurt it. It needs to be able to handle with its ego, not to be overflown with that or on the contrary not to suffer from phobias.

Your baby in Sagittarius Zodiac sign (23.11.-21.12.)

It does not respect authorities too much, insist on your attitude , but explain to it why you want this or that. This child needs urgently a feeling of safety and company at home, your presence in order to learn to live without accidents. It is eternal optimist, dreamer and idealist, it will always try to break down dogmas and formalities.

Your baby in Capricorn Zodiac sign (22.12.-20.1.)

Send your child out as much as possible, in the air and in the sun, even if it prefers to stay at home, it is good for its health more than for others. It takes its achievements for granted, the more it needs to be praised in order not to become an introvert curmudgeon and to be able to praise other people in adulthood.

Your baby in Aquarius Zodiac sign (21.1.-20.2.)

Help your child how to have its ideas in a logical row and that it is important. Make it do some physical activity, sport. It really can do three things at the same time and simultaneously to think about other three things, and this is a gift and also stumbling block. You have to help it organize everything so it will manage to fulfill its duties to the full.Moreover, it cannot cope with untold tension. Are there quarrels at your household on a daily basis? You have to calm them down!

Your baby in Pisces Zodiac sign (21.2.- 20.3.)

If it really wants, it is a master of manoeuvres, so do not give in. Pisces like to get away to the world of dreams. Yes, grant them this world of fairy tales, but insist on your attitude calmly and insistently. The child must not lose contact with reality! And if it retires into its introvert mood, let them in peace, it will echo itself, it is not necessary to be worried about this. And one more important advice- cheer it up, it is not sure about its own abilities.

Look at your child. From fifty centimetres tall person you are looking at one hundred centimetres and more.

Are you proud of it?

And are you proud of yourself?

I am.

Anger – I would strangle you

Sometimes, the children act and speak in a way that can really anger us. It is easy for the psychologists to say: “Just make sure that you don’t get angry in such situations”, “ don’t get too upset and furious and don’t act in an ill-tempered manner”. But who can remain calm when the child is being rude while acting in the same stupid way over and over again!

¨

And the kids are really capable of this! They often, without knowledge, target the greatest weakness in us and our sensitive areas and they infallibly shoot the ‘poisoned arrow’ right into the spot that really bothers us. Or when our so far pleasant and obedient daughter says in an indignant manner: “I don’t like you at all”. Most of the time, however, the problems arise because the children act in a way in which they are best able to, in a way that is pleasant and convenient to them and this is often on the contrary with what the adults imagine and expect. The children in the present age are moreover taught a much greater aggression in behavior, assertion and activity and in some ways, they are verbally more mature than the previous generations. They have heard and learned a few things from the tv, and so they are able to create a sentence that totally puts us off with its directness and exactness and sometimes even with an open vulgarity.

 

The meaning of those uttered words – what our anger means

 

At what basis should we judge the words and behavior of our children (and that of other people as well)? How to understand what the child is doing and saying? How to interpret the actions and the words in certain contexts and specific situations? And how should we respond?

Many of us take the meaning of the children’s words literally and consider them seriously. “I will be good already”, “ I have never been there”, “ I have seen a snake. I don’t like you at all”, “I don’t want you”,  “You are ugly”. Alright, it is possible, the words certainly convey a crucial meaning and they make sense. In any case, I consider this “positive” version of interpretation much more suitable than when the parents doubt every word the child says in advance. There are numerous situations in which we do not have any other information and we have to base our understanding on the pronounced sentences.

But don’t we sometimes say: “You will drive me crazy one day”, “ you will weary me out if you will be naughty” ,”the devil will come and take you”, “you will be sent to a reformatory if you won’t behave properly”,  “I will throw all your toys out into the rubbish bin?” Do we really mean these seriously? Should the child trust all our words? Do we really keep all the promises that we say out? So should we really trust the words of our children for hundred percent? We all know those stressful moments, full of great rage, suspicions, distrust, fear and disappointment, when the awful words are yelled out and then suddenly more of such sentences can’t be held back.

What meaning do the uttered words have in such situations?  Sometimes, it begins with somewhat innocent deceptive words or half-truths and then it escalates into a chain of yet bigger lies and further tangles within them. Sometimes, with our actions, we push the child into the corner ourselves from where there is no escape. The child is then not capable of any sensible defense and so it acts in sheer bad manners or even in a hateful way. The child also usually does not exactly appraise the situation appropriately and it often overreacts. What is commonly acceptable among friends, is far beyond showing respect to adult authorities, the parents. A similar outcome can occur when the child wants to bring us some joy or when it wants to show us some obligation. Then he certainly promises the  impossible and with this brings a certain catastrophe upon himself.

A big problem arises when we perceive the child as a completely equivalent partner, an adult person. If this is the such case, then clearly, we cannot let the mess, the unkept promises or even the rude remarks go without any consequences, because precisely its attack jeopardizes our personality and authority directly as well as the basis of the partner relationship. Especially in the case of father-son relationship, aggression might seem as the only appropriate reaction. And this is especially so when the initiator is a maturing son. Nonetheless, the mums frantically “fight” in similar ways.

In such scenarios, the parents certainly don’t have any suspicion about the deeper meaning of what the child has said. Understanding can be very difficult sometimes. The adults definitely should not have just one and the only way of interpretation. If a three-years-old boy tells his mum who refuses to give him a chocolate before lunch: “I don’t like you at all”, I certainly believe that the mum easily understands that the child expresses his anger over the fact that his subjectively perceived willful wish wasn’t fulfilled and not because he has stopped loving his mum. If the mother doesn’t comprehend the situation correctly, and she concludes that the child does this on purpose so that he could trouble her, then she will go for a much less suitable reaction. But if the same happens to a grandma it is possible that a much bigger problem will arise from the situation because the grandma might use a totally different set of understanding. To the grandma it might seem that the child is being aggravated to act in this way by her daughter-in-law, or this could be a result of her bad bringing up and then further worries about the child’s future increasing misbehavior arise.

Sometimes the apprehension of the given situation can be even more complicated if the child starts to use words that are normally not used within the family. “Such words are not allowed to be used around mummy and can never be used on her, otherwise you will get slapped, you’ll see.” The adolescent child, however, is no longer influenced only by the family but his peers play a substantial role too and a  lapse  occurs easily when the child uses the words and vocabulary of the peer context in a family setting. It is also possible that the child accepts the coerced role of an adult, by the adults, and it then reacts to the parents’ words with the same caliber, in such a way in which he would not take the liberty to do so in a role of a child.

It is therefore not necessary to reject the words. They have its meaning. What is much more crucial is the behavior of the child. However, not just the isolated behavior of now and here, but also of yesterday, a week ago or a month ago. We should hence continuously pick up and keep in our memory the samples of a child’s behavior and apprehensions. In short, we should take note of the child’s actions in various time periods, situations and circumstances and maybe even towards various people. In their context, we can then easily understand the various acts at the spur of the moment as a deviation, as a particular reaction to an acute situation. How can a parent who is subjected to the child’s expressions of dedication and kindness on a daily long term basis believe his one-time frustrations and drifts of vulgarity to be true and to consider both the types of expression to be equivalent?

This could lead to some fatal mistakes especially with the maturing teenagers. Their exceptionally and overbearingly strong words, clearly expressed, as well as often very unfair words reflect the confusion and uncertain anchor in life, a persistent afford to find its place in it, the perpetual perception of life as black and white, the need to confine against those whom they actually love the most. It is important for them to be different from their parents, to contrast them strikingly. We also shouldn’t expect the child to be exactly the same as the way we are. If this would be so, we would probably still run around the forest as apes. As parents, we have undoubtedly got used to a compliance and admiration during the first eight or ten years of life, but during the maturing stage, the teenager has different preferences. Sometimes it is actually praiseworthy that it is different from us.

Sometimes with his inappropriate words and improper behavior, the child can call for a little bit of attention and concern from adults. “If I don’t make any mess, they won’t even notice me, they are at work all the time. Only then will they take some interest, notice me, talk to me and try to solve my problem.”

So how do we handle such situations in such a way so that we don’t unnecessarily cause stress to ourselves and at the same time so that the discrepancy that arises does not distress the relationship with the child? Sometimes, such situations can also lead to a significant deterioration of the relationship between parents in the case that their approach towards their child differs substantially. If the upbringing regardless the extensive afford put in, doesn’t succeed, they will look for a blame and the closest one at hand is the husband, the wife or their parents.

 

Take note of all actions

In the first place, we should regard the longterm deeds and expressions as the primary ones. Those one-time deeds and words should be considered as an acute deviation from the norm and not the more important ones just because they are the most recent ones on the list. It is also important to take note of all the actions of the maturing child. Most likely, we reasonably get angry over his frequent stays out of the home, his lenient approach towards keeping of a family order, but we should also consider equally seriously that he talks to us for a while, that he smiles at us, that he says “don’t worry”. Maybe these are just some seldom and volatile moments in comparison to that mess in everything else, to the demonstrative refusal of all that is adult, but their value is the equally important. In particular situations, the child might not even be able to do more than that. An exclusively negative perception of all situations from the adult perspective is not good for the maintenance and development of any kind of relationship. It is well-known that our expectations act in a strong way and they are able to significantly influence the child’s behavior in accordance with the expectation. If we therefore always show that we think that he is useless, that he is just a trouble to us and that he will grow up to be nothing at all, then we are certainly contributing to the fact that this will really turn out to be the reality.

We should educate our children from a young age and show them alternatives and socially acceptable ways of solving challenging life situations. It is certainly not necessary for him to curse and swear all the time, to take offense and blame the whole world using all sorts of words. Sometimes it is just enough for him to wait with his reactions for a little while and everything can turn out to be different. It is important to accept that even the very intensive emotions have their place in our lives, however, without the obligation to take those words and actions that tend to accompany them literally.

At other times, we could just keep silent, ignore some words and not hear others. When it is possible, we can leave the battlefield. It is also feasible to leave with the words: “Don’t get mad, but I don’t want to and I’m not going to solve this problem now. When you calm down, we can have a chat about it. Please count to ten and then you can tell it to me again.” At yet other times, we can force the child to leave himself.

I definitely do not recommend accusations, a cry or an emotional extortion. It is possible that these would help in some situations, but its effectiveness will be significantly reduced with its continuous use and after some time, these can paradoxically increase the child’s resistance towards the adult.

It is left up to us to communicate in a more polite manner than the child. We should not say things which are the products of anger especially when we don’t mean them deadly seriously. If we are not in control of ourselves, we should be more discrete with our reactions when the child uses the exactly same rhetorics towards us. In my advisory sessions, a twelve-year-old boy told me how he got a bad mark at school for being rude. He apparently reacted on the teacher’s complaint, that she is bored of constantly discovering whether he did something bad or not, with the answer that he is also bored of it. I consider this teacher’s remark highly unprofessional.

Some advices are in the form of compromise. The adults are more matured and their personalities wouldn’t suffer as much when not all is according to them.

Sometimes it is enough to wait with our reaction for fifteen minutes and then the discussion with the child can turn out to be completely different altogether. We shouldn’t forget that even we behave in a different way with audience around us. We can withstand so much more in a friendly atmosphere in between four eyes than when we have to face the critiques from the whole class or our co-workers.

The adults also forget that what has already happened cannot unhappen. And so they come back again and again to what the child has done wrong yesterday and a week ago, they repeat the same sentences and so as time goes by, they reliably make the child not want to listen to them.

When the child does something wrong, it doesn’t mean that it is a villain. He has just done a bad deed. Children are quite sensitive to how we perceive their misdemeanors. A girl in the seventh grade has copied during her test. The teacher has caught her, let her finish the test and then immediately examined her from the same study material. The girl received a grade five (1 being the best and 5 the worst). Here is an insight of the girl herself: “It was completely fair. I rather not copy again. Because it is not worth the trouble.”

It might seem that I’m pushing the adults into a defense position, that I’m refraining them from reacting to the child’s misconduct, that I’m leaving the upper hand to the children. By providing all the explanations for their behavior I’m actually justifying them. Nothing like that. Nonetheless the up-bringing needs to be effective. And if the child stops to take note of you, if it responds to all your propositions in an opposite manner, if it avoids you and goes to his friends instead, then you can be right a hundred times round and it is still all good for nothing. You will not be able to influence your child anymore. And here I’m trying to find ways which won’t hurt the child or the relationships with those closest ones, which won’t jeopardize his future and which will at the same time lead to the goals set by the parents.

 

 

Speech Development Difficulties

The causes of most speech disorders in children aren’t sufficiently scientifically clarified. Treatment, rehabilitation and correction mainly focus on symptoms, not causes.

 

Incorrect sound pronunciation (dyslalia)

We can notice an incorrect pronunciation in basically all children. At the beginning of speech development, it’s a normal occurrence. It most often starts when a child replaces a sound with one that is more easily pronounced (bath = baf), or he leaves a sound out entirely (broken=boken).  Up until the fight year of age, or sometimes later, an incorrect pronunciation of “heavy” sounds is acceptable (like l, r and sibilants).

We talk about an incorrect pronunciation (dyslalia), which is an articulation disorder, if wrong pronunciation lasts longer, when a child creates a sound in the wrong place (like a French “r”) or in other situations (like lisping – letting the air out from the sides of the tongue).

An Incorrect pronunciation should be removed by following expert advice from a speech therapist, preferably before the child enters first grade. Proper pronunciation is needed in order to master the basics of reading and writing in school.

If a child who is older then three keeps pronouncing incorrectly, if he has a problem with repeating long words, if he always repeats them differently and always incorrectly, if his speech isn’t really understandable to strangers, or if it seems like he is straining himself when talking – then it’s probably not just incorrect pronunciation that he will grow out of; it could be a more serious speech disorder (like verbal dyspraxia) and you should contact a speech therapist.

 

Seek a speech therapist, when:

–          a three-year-old creates a sound at a wrong place (like the French „r“) or in other situations (lisping);

–          a three-year-old has difficulties repeating long words, always repeats them differently and always incorrectly and his speech is overall not understandable;

–          a four-year-old has an incorrect pronunciation of many sounds

–          a five-year-old has an incorrect pronunciation of some sounds (like l, r)

 

Delayed speech development

From everyday life we know, that each child develops according to his own „timetable“. Even though there are well known „table values”, many children within a natural variability achieve these milestones a bit sooner or later.

The same goes for speech development. Here the variability is even bigger, because the quality of the stimulation and the influence of the environment play a crucial role. Variability is also influenced by inside factors like heredity and the maturity of the nervous system.

The question is, do the speech abilities further develop in a child with a delayed speech development? The answer to this question is complicated: from a delayed speech development a proper development may or may not start. Some children speed up when they are three and soon catch up with their peers in all speech abilities. In others, their development may become more complicated and the delay may result in an impaired speech development. That’s why a delayed development should be considered a risk factor and stimulation should begin as soon as possible.

 

Seek a speech therapist, when:

 

–          a two-year-old doesn’t feel the need to express his feelings, he doesn’t comment on what he sees and doesn’t ask his mom to repeat activities or to hand him an item or a toy;

–          he uses less than ten understandable words at two years;

–          as a two-year-old, he doesn’t create any two word combinations (“grandma there”, “father give”, etc. );

–          when a three-year-old doesn’t create simple sentences

 

Stuttering or speech disfluency?

Because of the rapid speed of speech development that allows a child to say much more than before – and children would love to articulate all their thoughts at once – a child may suddenly:

–          repeat one word or syllable without effort, like: “My my my mom is coming“ or “This this this this car is mine!” or “Gi-gi-give me ball!”

–          change his speech so that he replaces a word or a phrase, but the meaning of what he wants to say stays the same. For example, he wants to say “We moved into a new house,” but he says “My are have new house…,” because it’s easier for him this way.

–          slip sounds or words into his sentences that don’t have anything to do with the content, but they make continuing in the sentence easier, like: “It’s a hm car.”

–          Interrupt his speech often, make obvious pauses, which are longer then needed to take a breath, like “I have——-nice car.”

All of these difficulties are called speech disfluency, and even though they may remind us of stuttering, they are associated with speech development. Just remember how you child started walking:

sometimes he tripped, fell, jumped. And it’s similar with speech. Sometimes he repeats something, he corrects something and he makes a pause or slips in a sound or a word. A significant difference between disfluency and real stuttering is the length of time it lasts. Disfluency can last between a few weeks to six months. If it doesn’t naturally disappear, it may lock in and turn into stuttering.

Certain rules exist that adults should follow when their child is experiencing speech disfluency. The “ten commandments“ are:

1. Don’t point out the less-than-perfect fluency in your child’s speech and don’t ask him to repeat the sentence.

2. Don’t tell you child to speak slower, to take a breath or to calm down.

3. Don’t ask your child, especially during this critical time, to talk loud or to recite in front of relatives, guests, etc.

4. (You) Talk in simpler and shorter sentences.

5. (You) Talk slower.

6. Eliminate situations that your child is afraid of. For example, leave the night light on).

7. Don’t have unreasonable expectations (like „boys don’t cry“ or „Peter can do it better than you“, etc.)

8. Important conversation should never take place in front of a child.

9. Don’t make sudden lifestyle changes, and prepare you child for necessary changes such as moving or changing school.

10. If your child still doesn’t speak fluent for more than several months, talk to a speech therapist.

 

Seek a speech therapists help when:

–          the disfluency lasts longer than 6 months;

–          a child speaks with difficulties, straining  speech organs and neck muscles during speech;

–          there is a family member who stutters;

–          a child starts realizing the disfluency n his speech and is upset by it.

 

The causes of most speech disorders in children aren’t sufficiently scientifically clarified. Treatment, rehabilitation and correction mainly focus on symptoms, not causes. Speech is an ability that is mostly developed though communication from the closest people and the environment that parents create for their children. This is especially true for parents who have a child with a speech disorder. Traditional approaches of speech therapists defined the roles of parents as only observers and helpers. Today we know that when parents are led by experts, they can significantly help develop and guide their child. Unlike experts, they can do so everyday at home – in the child’s natural environment. The role of a family is also gradually changing even here: different parental groups and training programs are formed, where parents – under the guidance of experts – get educated in effective communication strategies. It helps them discover their child, his needs, development possibilities and ways to help develop his speech skills. This gives them greater peace and freedom in making decisions.

 

So if you or someone you know have any doubspeechts about your child’s speech development, or you already know that your child has an inborn speech disorder, seek out an expert as soon as possible and consult the possibilities of early stimulation and intervention.

 

Toys, toys, toys…

Wallets, drawers and cooking pots come across as the biggest smash items to the infants. All sorts of ‘funky’ and ‘spooky’ mass-advertised so-called “the-best-toys-ever” that try to penetrate into the child’s playroom sometimes get green with envy losing their way to these greater hits. The babies love the price tag dangling from a soft toy and the keys. Even a mummy’s old dress might not be spared. If the baby is ambitious enough, anything can be endorsed as a toy.

 

Certainly, when their birthday or their saint’s day comes, we will buy them all those colorful, able-to-move and sound-eluding items because they wish for them, they desire them and we want to make them happy. However, what gets plentiful also gets mundane with time, becomes too boring to play with, and this prods us to buy new, awesome super-toys, which will perhaps finally provide a “quality” entertainment.

Nonetheless, if the kid is being passively entertained by a TV or a computer, nobody plays with him, nobody enhances his imagination, then perhaps he doesn’t even know what to do with all those awesome toys. In this case, the only manual possible are the advertisements. But these last only a short while and they do not bring too many creative ideas.

 

The infants’ hits

 

Do you also recall how you bought a mountain of rattling, rustling and sound-giving toys for your baby only to entertain him later on at a doctor’s with your keys, wallet or advertising flayers? Yes, small children are for many purposes attracted to the totally mundane daily necessary items – the mobil phone, the keys, the toys’ price tags, a wallet,the advertisement flayers,the drawers with laundry, a rubbish bin, the cooking pots, the sticks and the rustling wrappers. Once the infant stage is over, the most attractive items are often those in the hands of other children. Nonetheless, only a few infants would despise a play with cubes or a ball especially if an adult engages in the play too.

 

The undying construction games

 

Various types of Lego or other construction or building games never fail to entertain. These games enhance imagination, enforce creativity and improvisation and they support a space visualization. They last for several years and then new complementary pieces of building blocks can be purchased. Actually most toys to which something complementary can be bought or hand-made later on are very “grateful” and the children play with them for several years. New railways can be bought for trains and tunnels can be made too. Dresses and other accessories can be bought or stitched for dolls and stables can be obtained for the little animals.

 

The fluffy soft toys

 

A sloppy teddy bear appears in the memories of our childhood for most of us. Why is this so? Soft toys are pleasant, soft, pacifying and they sooth us. They convey a parents’ touch when in a bed at night or on a kindergarten camping trip, they smell of home and feel of tears of sadness or even an anger. Shortly, they share all the good and the bad with the children. You must have one hidden for yourself too, don’t you?

 

 

Speech in the First Year

A child needs enough (but not too much) of quality stimuli for a proper healthy development. The most important factors for the development of proper speech are our voice, our speech, a warm approach, positive feedback, a calm environment and a feeling of security.

 

Every healthy child wants to talk. We lead by example and he will try to imitate us. That’s why we should talk to our children as much as possible. Our voice should be calm, warm and distinctive; with a natural intonation. An infant doesn’t care what we are saying, but how we are saying. He perceives our intonation, pace, timbre, the strength of our voice and rhythm.

 

Your Voice is the Most Important For Your Child´s Speech

The essential factor for the development of speech is the perception of rhythm. We should talk rhythmically to our child, read him rhymes and just overall make our words rhythmical. Don’t think about how good or bad your voice is, just try to be imaginative.

We should talk rhythmically and melodically during everyday activities such as bathing, dressing, while on a walk, while holding the baby, etc. It should be a regular, rhythmical ascending and descending of our voice on 2 or 3 tones (For example: Just-in is play-ing with his te-ddy bear).

We often talk rhythmically and melodically naturally without even realizing it. This is very important and that’s why a child should hear melodious speech as much as possible. Gradually, we should include children’s songs and rhymes.

Try not to replace your own voice with professional recordings of actors or singers. Our voice is the most important for our child and no other voice can replace it.

Background sounds

In order for the child to be able to recognize and differentiate the quality of sounds, it’s also necessary to offer him a quiet and calm environment. We adults often don’t even notice background sounds, but for children it’s harmful if the TV or music are on all the time.

 

Breastfeeding as practice

The muscles of the mouth that we need in order to articulate, primarily serve for sucking and swallowing purposes, the basis is quality muscle coordination. The main way for an infant to train this coordination is by eating.

At first, its breastfeeding, which is very important for an overall development of a child in many ways.  Later it’s chewing, biting and drinking out of a cup. In order for a child to correctly use his mouth muscles, he has to experiment with them and discover them. That’s why it’s only natural, that he sticks his fingers and other object into his mouth. We should let our child do that, but ensure it is safe and hygienic.

 

Pacifier

If you give your child a pacifier, try to give it to him as little as possible. A long-term use of a pacifier can have an effect on jaw development and it prevents the child from talking. An active, satisfied, or a sleeping baby does not need a pacifier.

When a child starts teething, we should start using a special toothbrush for toddlers. This way, we help our child develop proper hygienic habits.

 

Toys

For the sake of a full psychomotor development of a child, its necessary to get him appropriate toys. They should help him further develop his senses – touch, hearing, sight, smell and taste (whistling toys, rattles, bath toys, colored wooden blocks, buckets, balls, rings on a rod, cloth toys, simple picture folding books, etc.)

We should be picky and prefer toys from quality materials – definitely put quality before price. Toys could also be everyday things that children see „in action“: a mug, a spoon, a box, a comb, etc. In these cases, make sure your child doesn’t hurt himself or break the object he is playing with.

 

Love is number one

If we want to develop proper speech in our child, we should talk to him a lot, appeal to his senses, sing to him, play with him, read books with him and help him discover the world around him. We help him make the most of his own potential.

We give him a chance to learn the basics of correct and content- rich speech. But even the best material equipment can’t replace an emotionally warm and loving environment.

Only such environment, where the child will feel loved and protected, will give him an opportunity to develop his abilities and his speech.  

 

Upbringing of Your Child

With authority or democratically? A never ending question. Upbringing is a complicated and difficult process and it’s almost impossible to choose one way over the other.

 

A child whose parent tell him constantly off or give him always orders without any explanation; a child that have no spontaneous attachment to anyone (especially to its mother) or has no security… That kind of child will definitely lack self confidence and will only act his life out. The world around it will seem cold, strange or hostile and it will have no understanding why!

 

Upbringing with authority

 

When constantly applying authority a child will get used to carry out task thoughtlessly, giving up to parents’ authority and take up only their opinion. It will become less active because it will be afraid of a punishment. It’s becoming more fearful and is less tolerant to others. When he or she socializes with their peers, with different opinions, his or hers activity increases and it behaves “as a bad child”. It can also lead to aggression while putting its own self forward.

Liberal upbringing

On the other hand there is a child that gets all it wants, it is overwhelmed with money or presents where parent compensate their lack of interest or their emotions. They have no interest in their child’s hobbies, experiences or even their worries so actually they’re neglecting their child’s needs. Even this child will have problems to fit in society it will feel unsure of itself.

Under the influence of so called liberal way the child aims at no goals, it does not need to overcome any obstacles. His patience, persistence or character activity does not develop; it doesn’t trust its own ability. It doesn’t need to – parents who apply this way of upbringing make sure that their child doesn’t have to do anything, doesn’t have to deal with anything all is done for them.

Democratic upbringing

When you encourage the right characteristics in your child, such as persistence or self-control; when you ask of your child adequate tasks to complete or when you take your child as a valid member of your family who has adequate responsibilities that are done without a prompt; when we don’t reach for inadequate punishment and the relationship between parents and children is friendly that is when we exercise the style of upbringing called democratic and it also is the ideal way.

Child is able to develop his diligence and character stability. The care is consistent but subtle. Rules have boundaries and they are kept within the needs of the whole family. Children who listen to parents are able to reason if to bend the stereotype or not.

Communication

It is interesting to find out that something works with a particular child but does not work with other. Fundamental is the relationship between the carer and the cared for. Equally important is also the current situation. The way we bring our child up means: being able to constantly communicate with each other and look for the right methods.

A child get also affected by the carers’ temper, immaturity or aggression,  instability, his intellectual or somatic handicaps, dissatisfaction of his own life and similar. Strong are also the experiences from their own childhood if he or she was happy or not at home or school.

When child’s character is formed the positive emotional attachment plays major role. Ideal way to care is actually being able to use positive emotions with democratic way. However to find out to what extend isn’t easy.

Setting up boundaries

Today the liberal upbringing seems to lead in the statistics. Parents should define specific boundaries, straight and valid rules and strictly keep to them. I will lead the child towards responsible behavior. Of course parent should learn how to speak to their kids. They should be able to explain the rule and why the child should keep to them. Important for the upbringing is the relationship between parents because child is constantly watching and copying its surrounding.

It is rather difficult to practice this and it does not always work out because, as we said before, each child is unique.

We should therefore think about how our personality affects our child or if we could improve something in our relationship. Good communication with a child and well-spent time together are not just necessary contribution but also a source of fun and pleasure for ourselves.

Room Shared by Children? Here are some tips!

Multiple children sharing a room, especially being of different ages and sex, can ideally be without any trouble, but let`s not count on that. In a worse case scenario it can turn out to be a nightmare, with the whole family feeling the consequences.

So what can happen? Let`s imagine a model situation. A lively toddler and a school-age child? One is tidy and orderly, and the other one does not care (well… he can’t care yet) and leaves everything everywhere.

So, how can you make everyone happy without loosing mind?

Tolerance in the Room 

There is no need to discuss the cause of problems. Your children probably long for privacy more than just for physical living space. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like each other. It is often a hard road to compromise; and it is up to us to teach our children about tolerance.

Divided living spaces

It is always better if children of same sex or age (or perhaps a combination of both) occupy one room. Next, it is important to arrange the room in such a way, that each child has their own space that is furnished relatively the same, so that we avoid jealousy and envy. We can separate the two rooms (living spaces) by wall color of the children’s choosing.

Small rooms should not be very dark, as they could appear smaller. But a rich color doesn’t mean a dark color. Just to be sure, save some of the color…

It’s also important to have as little furniture as possible, but enough for clothes and for the storage of various items. We should remember that buying additional furniture is easy, but it’s not as easy to get rid of furniture we don’t want or need anymore.

Bunk beds in the room – yes or no?

If you’re thinking about getting bunk beds into the room, then do so only if you have absolutely no other choice. The most serious argument about bunk beds is that it is warmer on the upper bed and more difficult to breathe there. Also, we can’t use the upper bed as seating for guests for example.

If there isn’t much room for regular beds, there are other options too. Today, we can find high beds on top of cabinets and shelves, or perhaps with space underneath to play.

The furniture should be practical, easy to maintain and above all – safe! Only adults will appreciate expensive room furniture and design, but children don’t care about how much it costs, or what it’s made of. They only care about if they like it and feel comfortable in it.

Shared Room Privacy

The bigger the age gap is between the children and the older they get, the more we must respect their privacy.  Also, we shouldn’t count on the older one watching the younger one in the room.

The younger one will surely get on the older ones nerves, and the older one can watch the small one one even if he isn’t in the same room. We should respect privacy from a certain age, adolescence at best, even of kids of different sex. I don’t think I need to explain why…

If we have one room to work with, we can divide it. There is a number of ways to do that and they depend on the layout of the room. A partition wall made of wood or plasterboard can only be used in a room with two windows. For each of the newly created spaces, we have to respect the minimal space of 2,5 meters, since only then the children will have 100% privacy. We, parents, will learn to knock before entering any of the child’s space whether they are adults of children.

If for some reason, we are unable to divide the room by construction, we can divide the room using a paravent or cabinets.  Sound insulation will not be perfect but at least each child will have a space of their own, that his sibling should respect and not interfere with.

Separate rooms

If we can afford to give our children their own rooms, we should furnish them as if they were their first apartments. The room should contain everything the child needs, but as always, we shouldn’t overcrowd the room with furniture. An extra bed though is not an unnecessary piece of furniture. It can be used to lie around in during the day (so he wont lay in his clean sheets), and most importantly it can be used for guests.

While picking out furniture and designs, we should give our child the right to choose as much as possible.  Don’t forget it`s his/her room, not yours. Remember to secure the windows and outlets in the rooms of younger children.

Saving Tips for Working Parents

With this fast rapid growing world and increasing prices, it has become important for both the parents to earn. While the mother is working – women, there comes lot of challenges. Parents have to find time for their family, children. A working mother should know how to handle working and home life simultaneously. Taking good care of children and preparing presentation of a company, all becomes very hectic for a single woman. Few parents handle their work and home in a balanced way but majority of then results into dysfunctional family. No worries for them, here are some saving tips for the parents to balance home and work file easily.

Never Hyperventilate

After you are home from office, never think that you are very tired so you are free to neglect house work. If you are a responsible parent you should know your responsibilities. While you leave your office, sit in the car for home – Give you mind rest and sit peacefully for few minutes. Make your mind relax and slowly analyze what work you have to do at home. Clear your mind from office stresses. Make a daily planner; it will help you to balance your office and home life.

No work to Home

Bringing your office work to home, kills your precious time that you could have spent with your family. Bringing work to home, you often neglect your home responsibilities and thus family balance is disturbed. When you bring office work at home, actually you carry lot of worries and frustration with you that is all poured on children. This affects your children’s mind and they become reluctant towards you. Your children wants to spend time with you and you are their parents, so give this relation time and care to grow stronger and healthier.

Planning your meals for maximum saving

Planning your week’s meal is very easy. You need to sit together with your family on Sundays, discuss who wants to eat what and plan accordingly for the whole week. As a parent you should be familiar with one’s likes and dislikes, which is allergic to what. After your planner is discussed, paste it on the refrigerator door. If you have hectic schedule thought out the week, you can shop for the whole week. So that, no extra time is needed for assembling the ingredients at the time of making food. Keep your breakfast simple so that your children can also prepare them. Pancakes, toast, sandwich and cereals are best for breakfast.

First work – then Play

You have make your children understand that they should finish their homework first and then play. You should give them deadline for finishing their homework. It will help your children to be punctual and help them to be responsible. Make them learn to prepare all essentials for next morning.

Help your children to learn work

For happy home, you don’t have to be a supermom; you should make your children to involve in the household work. This will make your children more responsible and they will gradually learn house work, this would certainly help them in future. Make a chart for your children on what they have to do, and ask them to tick the task they have completed. By this your children will learn discipline and be responsible.

Family Time is must. Saving is next

Give time to your family. Decide your time you will spend with your family. That decided time should be only for your family and no external work should interfere in that. This would help to build healthy relationship and stronger bond.

Conclusion

Above were some of the tips to control your office work and save time for your family. As a parent you should understand the importance of family. So balancing both lives with intelligent planner would definitely promise you a happy life.

About the author: Margaret is a blogger by profession. She loves writing on home and health. Beside this she is fond of books. She recently bought underground house. These days she is busy in writing an article on anorexia.

All about Baby Blues

When you think about baby blues, what do you think of first? Which aspects of baby blues are important, which are essential, and which ones can you take or leave? You be the judge.

(Take Time for Yourself)

Some new mothers go through what is known as the baby blues,or postpartum blues.

This happens because your body goes through many changes during pregnancy. These blue feelings may happen to you before your baby is born or afterward.

If you base what you do on inaccurate information, you might be unpleasantly surprised by the consequences. Make sure you get the whole baby blues story from informed sources.

You may feel discouraged or tense, or feel like crying over little things that would not usually bother you. Don’t worry. These feelings are common. They won’t last forever.

You may also have trouble sleeping. If you do, at least take time to rest. You are under a lot of stress. Getting some rest may help you handle your feelings.

It may help to talk about your feelings with others. Talk with family and friends. You can find out if there are any parent groups in your community. Or contact the National Mental Health Association for a list of local affiliates at 1-800-969-NMHA or visit their Web site at www.nmha.org/. Churches and religious organizations in your community may be able to help you find someone to talk to. You may also want to talk to your doctor.

If you have friends or family who will help you with meals, housework or shopping, now is the time to ask them. It is also a good time to let your baby’s father help out.

Is there really any information about baby blues that is nonessential? We all see things from different angles, so something relatively insignificant to one may be crucial to another.